At the end of 2015 we rounded up the weirdest weird news stories of that year and predicted that “2016 already seems like it is sure to be filled with weird and wild surprises.” Well, 2016 did not disappoint! From all the beloved celebrity deaths, to election madness to lot’s of Rio Olympics “fun” and the rampant spread of FAKE news, 2016 will go down as one of the weirdest years in history, bigly.
I for one never understood the appeal of “fake but not funny news” when there are so many weird things that really happen all the time. Just look at the strange crap everyone actually got up to this past year. So here are the best weird news stories of 2016! And here is to hoping that 2017 is just as weird and insane- ah you know what, let’s hope 2017 is totally boring and chill.
Getting raped by a Pokémon character pretty much says everything about 2016. While Pokémon Go was the big hit mobile game of the summer, most of us were more like Pokémon go away. It had to be a really confusing time to be a crazy person. Millions of people all over the world are running around trying to find little monsters that nobody else can see with the naked eye. So it is no surprise that someone out there has finally accused a Pokémon of sexual assault. The woman in Moscow, Russia says that she woke up one night to discover a large Pokémon on top of her, raping her as she slept. Like not on her phone, literally on top of her in the room. She jumped out of bed and the creature disappeared. When she checked her Pokémon Go app she could still see the virtual creature “in the room” with her. She called the cops but they and her husband suggested she see a psychiatrist.
Martin Shkreli, the former pharmaceutical CEO who infamously jacked up the price of AIDS medication has a new plan to try and rehabilitate his image. He wants us to know that he is a lover of animals and will go to any lengths to protect them, even resurrecting ones that are already dead. “Pharma Bro” tweeted his genius plan to clone and resurrect Harambe, the beloved gorilla that was shot and killed at the Cincinnati Zoo after a child fell into his enclosure. Pharma Bro posted an email he has written to Kazuhiro Saeki, a member of a team of scientists who published a paper in 2009, outlining how they were able to clone a bull using cells retrieved from testicles of a frozen animal which had been dead for ten years. No word on if Shkreli was successful, but as of early 2017 we have not yet seen a cloned Harambe.
An artist erected a series of naked Donald Trump statues titled “The Emperor Has No Balls” in cities like New York and Los Angeles. While many Trump haters were quick to pose for pics and have a good laugh at the expense of the presidential candidate, others were quick to point out that if this had been done to rival Hillary Clinton, there would be outrage and a total meltdown on the Internet. Well now it seems that this prediction has come true. In an effort to have fair and balanced naked presidential candidate protest statues, an artist identified as 27-year-old Anthony Scioli presented a naked Hillary in downtown Manhattan on Tuesday morning. New Yorkers it seems were less receptive to the provocative work.
At one point a woman sat on the knocked over statue and would not let anyone move it upright again. She sat there until officers with the counterterrorism unit – I assume since naked Hillary Clinton breasts count as domestic terrorism- arrived to intervene in the situation. They told the artist he had to remove the art piece since he did not have a permit to display it. I think Hillary would be proud. A permit stopped his free speech. Government regulations for the win!
42 year-old Alexander Pieter Cirk, from Holland tried finding love the old fashioned way: by meeting a Chinese woman online and flying halfway around the world to meet her in person. Only there seems to have been a slight miscommunication. When the Dutchman arrived at the Huanghua International Airport in Changsha, Hunan province, the attractive young 26 year old woman named Zhang he expected to greet him was nowhere to be found. So he did the logical thing and spent ten nights sleeping at the airport waiting for his love to come fetch him. Cirk refused to leave the airport and set up shop, patiently waiting with his luggage. However after several days of sitting in the airport the lovelorn man’s health began to deteriorate. Cirk suffers from diabetes, and I’m guessing ten days of Cinnabon at a Chinese airport wasn’t helping his blood sugar. Lack of sleep, decent food and sitting in an airport chair for such a long time caused Cirk to pass out. Emergency services were called and he was hauled off to the hospital in a wheelchair.
Now I know what you are thinking, this poor bastard flew all the way from Amsterdam to China and got himself Catfished hard. However don’t worry! There is a perfectly reasonable explanation. Zhang says that the only communication Cirk gave her to indicate he was flying to China was a photo of some airplane tickets. She didn’t think he was really going to fly 5,400 miles to meet her. That’s his bad. They never actually spoke about his trip! n addition when he arrived Zhang was out of town, having plastic surgery treatment on her face…. So her phone was turned off for those ten days. That’s her bad! She might look a little different I’m guessing. Also she says it is “inconvenient” for her to return to Changsha to see him in the hospital. Makes sense to me: she is going to want the plastic surgery to heal so she looks her absolute best when she meets her online boyfriend for the first time in person. She spent two hours on the phone with Cirk as he was treated in the Chinese hospital clearing things up.
For a real American Badass we go to Eagle Point, Oregon. That is where a woman walking out of a Walmart Friday morning discovered a man riding away on her bicycle. She began to scream for help. What happened next was just like something out of The Lone Ranger. A man who happened to have his horse in a trailer jumped on his trusty steed, chased the bike thief across the parking lot and lassoed him! Next the hero cowboy held the man, still roped until the police arrived. The perpetrator of the failed bike snatching, Victorino Sanchez was arrested on a theft charge and is being held at the Jackson County Jail. I assume he is there rambling on how he just got lassoed and none of the other inmates believe him.
Remember in those 80’s movies when a student would bang his teacher and then the other students obviously wouldn’t believe them because the story is just so outlandish? Well now we have cell phone cameras and social media to not only document such an experience but also prove to the world it happened which is exactly what a young 17-year-old had to do to prove he had reached the Mount Everest of sex; banging your hot teacher on prom night. He shared the pic to social media to prove it. A fellow student was staying with the 17-year-old who got the deed done and discovered his buddy in bed with the 28-year-old teacher in their hotel room. The teacher was still asleep when the photograph was taken. Is that a little morbid to take a picture of your sleeping teacher in bed after you’ve banged her? Hard to answer because SHE BANGED HER 17-YEAR-OLD STUDENT ON PROM NIGHT. So this picture is pretty mild by comparison. The rough part is the teacher is married and her husband actually looks like a nice enough guy. That poor bastard.
While some heavy metal bands like to just sing about Satan and murder, the black metal scene in Norway has a reputation for being the “real deal.” A series of church burnings and murders committed by black metal musicians in that country really upped the ante on what it means to be METAL. So it was good to see one nice seeming fellow from the Norwegian Black Metal community doing his civic duty by helping out his local town council election. Gylve “Fenriz” Nagell, of the black metal band Darkthrone placed himself on the ballot in Kolbotn so that they would have the minimum required number of entrants for town council seats. His campaign poster had the words “please don’t vote for me” and was a picture of him holding his pet cat named Peanut Butter. The one thing Fenriz forgot is that this is Norway and he is a black metal legend. The Norwegians love black metal! So of course he was elected “against his will” to a position he will have to hold for four years. This is why you should never do political favors for people.
A Cubs fan was standing outside of Progressive Field just before Game 6 of the World Series began to start, looking for any remaining tickets at the box office. It was a stretch but Karen Michel of Indiana was hopeful. Alas, there were no tickets left for Michel so she was stuck just listening to the crowd inside the stadium. But that’s when she spotted Bill Murray, dressed in a Cubs jersey and hat walking toward the gate. Murray, having the magnetic energy that he possesses, led Karen to follow Murray over to the gate for just a moment. Was it fate? Apparently because Murray then turned, noticed Karen and did something incredible. Bill Murray offered Karen his extra Game 6 ticket. Not only was it a ticket to see the game, it was a ticket to be seated right next to Bill Murray himself. Holy shit.
“He turns around and says, ‘Here, here’s a ticket,'” Michel told MLB.com. “And he kind of shuttled me into the door. I thought it was just a ticket to get in. But it was a ticket to sit right here.”
Karen didn’t go into too much detail with the press about her surprise date to the World Series, but we can already assume it was possibly the best experience, shall we say, ever? Especially for a Cubs fan.
Finally landing a new job can be such a great feeling, it’s almost tradition to go out with your friends (or hell, even by yourself) and celebrate. The nerve-racking interviewing process, which can turn into multiple interviews, can destroy your confidence but after it’s all over and you finally get the gig, a drink or two is exactly what you need. However for one man who recently landed a new job, he took his celebration to the next level by waking up on top of a glass ceiling at a damn mall. NICE! No, that’s not an early Halloween decoration or Spiderman taking a nap, that’s 27-year-old Isaac Moore who got so wasted, he somehow found himself on top of the curved glass ceiling at the shopping center The Grand Arcade in Cambridge. Unfortunately for this drunk guy, he didn’t wake up with a one night stand next to him, he woke up being nudged by a couple of firefighters who wanted to get him down before he fell through the damn thing ceiling. He has no memory of how he got up there!
This is the number one thing most men fear happening while sitting on the toilet and for one poor son of a bitch it actually happened. A man in Thailand with a kickass name, Atthaporn Boonmakchuay, was sitting on the porcelain throne in his own home when a PYTHON snake crawled up the pipe and bit him on the tip of his penis. While some folks may pay good money for that sort of thing Attaporn is not one of them and quickly screamed for his wife. The horrified pooper reached between his legs and grabbed the giant python that was clamping down on his own trouser snake with powerful jaws. He began to violently smash and hit the snake, jumping around in his bathroom, but nothing he could do would make the reptile release its toothy grip. Come on snake, always remember: watch the teeth! The blood splattered mess looks like the elevator scene from The Shining, yet luckily for Atthaporn, most of the blood was from the weiner snatching snake. The brave man gallantly fought for his manhood but knew this was a situation that could end with the slithering serpent having a salty snack at his expense. He was not about to let that damn snake take away the only thing that matters. He took a rope, wrapped it around the head of the 13 foot long snake and tied the other end of the rope to the bathroom door before he passed out from blood loss. This guy is like the Steve Irwin of taking a dump.
Atthaporn was hospitalized and thankfully all his party parts are in working order. However, the same can’t be said for his bathroom. Emergency crews were called in to smash the toilet to pieces and free the still living, cock gobbling python that was stuck there. Although I’m thinking they should have left it halfway sticking out of the toilet and it could have been a weird fetish tourist destination to Thailand.
I am still hungover from New Year’s and cannot remember most of 2016. So what was your favorite weird news item that I missed?!
Follow Phil Haney on Twitter @PhilHaney