15 Reasons Why We Are Actually Excited For Global Warming This Earth Day!


Today is “Earth Day” which is meant to recognize the “plight” of the earth and demonstrate support for environmental protection. Started by environmental activists in 1970, every year we are bombarded on this day with messages of why “Climate Change” and “Global Warming” is so gosh darn bad for us and the future of humanity, blah, blah, blah.

Well what do you want us to do about it? That is why we feel these cupcakes need to shut their kale filled pie hole. If so called “Global Warming” is really going to happen, it actually sounds pretty kick ass!

1.  Global Warming Will Destroy Property Value Of Annoying Coastal Elites

The people who whine the most about “Global Warming” are always the ones living on the coasts, screaming that their city is going to be flooded by rising sea levels. So if their worst fears actually do come to pass, the good news is it will completely ruin the property value of their beloved beach houses!

2. More Chicks In Bikinis

Since the climate scientists say Florida will be underwater and the temperature everywhere will be hotter, where the hell are we going to go for Spring Break to see chicks in bikinis? Everywhere! You will be booking a trip to beautiful, sunny Minnesota where the farm girls will be wearing their skimpy two pieces year round!

3.  Canadians Will Stop Complaining About Cold Weather

The worst part of their NOT being Global Warming is that we have to constantly listen to our friends to the north complain about the weather. So if the temperature heats up in Canada to a nice balmy 60 degrees (hot for them) you will no longer hear the cringe inducing phrase “Cold enough for ya, eh?”

4.  Awesome Mad Max Desert In American Heartland

Did you like the kick ass action in the latest Mad Max film? What if you could open the door to your post-apocalyptic hut and experience that every day in real life? The heartland of America will look like a set from Fury Road and if you can imagine be even more kick ass.  Old Max, Mel Gibson will probably be there too and have some interesting “rants” on how he can’t believe Global Warming is real.  

5. Justifies Switch To Nuclear Power Which Is Way Better Anyway

The environmentalists say that to combat climate change we should all switch to “renewables” like wind and solar. But do you really want to strap solar panels to your house and look like a giant pussy?  If GW is real than why bother with renewables? Nuclear power will provide cheaper and more plentiful energy. And besides; with the coming climate apocalypse all of those nuclear facilities will make the “dark times” all that much more fun with all the cool mutants we were promised in B-movies from the 1980’s!

6. Global Warming Will Cut Down On Heating Bills

The “scientists” want us to believe that by the year 2100 average temperatures in America are going to rise up to 12 degrees Fahrenheit. If this is the case, it is time to celebrate! We will no longer have freezing, frigid winters where we have to jack up the heat on the thermostat just so we don’t get frostbite taking our boots off in the entryway to the house. It will be warmer everywhere! The enviro-hippies should be happy as we will finally have to use less gas for heating!

7. Gulags Likely To Be More Pleasant In The Winter

Environmental activists like to try and make Americans feel guilty with pictures of the sad, freezing political prisoners in the gulags of North Korea and other hellholes. The good news is that if Global Warming is real, and temperatures rise those poor souls will live through the winter. Yay!

8.  The Ice Age Would Suck

We are always been warned that the earth is going to overheat or conversely that we might be plunged back into another Ice Age. Well if Global Warming “wins” than we can be thankful that we avoided the Ice Age. I mean think about it: would you rather burn to death or freeze to death?

9. Get More Use Out Of My Convertible

For years our environmental friends have warned us to stop driving our Hummers because of “Global Warming.” So Hummer pretty much went out of business and now everyone is driving a tiny little Smart Car to save on gas. But what am I supposed to do with my sweet convertible half the year when it is snowing? With more time during the year to drive with my top down, finally I will have the freedom in vehicle choice to drive what the hell I want, when I want!

10. Able To Yacht In The North Atlantic Without Pesky Icebergs

Earth Day folks are always talking about the icebergs and how they are melting. Yes, and? With these giant chunks of ice out of the way we can yacht all the way through the North Atlantic unobstructed!

11. Most Of Us Will Be Dead By Then Anyway So Let These Sniveling Millennials BURN.

In the coming Global Warming apocalypse they won’t be complaining about the Wi-Fi being out when their smart phones are melting into the palms of their undeserving hands. Besides, climate scientists say the shit isn’t really going to hit the fan until 2100, at which point, I don’t know about you, but I’ll be dead. So why should I care?

12. Al Gore Will Become So Self-righteously Smug That His Face Will Pucker Into His Own Asshole

An inconvenient truth of Global Warming actually turning out to be real is that former Vice President and climate change alarmist Al Gore will have been right. Standing amidst the Hellscape formerly known as America, Al Gore will instantly become so incredibly smug with a sense of self-righteous indignation that his entire face will literally pucker into his own asshole. So if you put aside having to listen to Gore scream “I told you so” at ear shattering decibels- witnessing this spectacle would be pretty damn funny.

13. The Annoying Whining Wir of Electric Cars Will Be Drowned Out By The Howling Winds of The Dust Bowl.

Once Global Warming hits there will be no sense in pretending that anyone actually likes electric cars- it will be too late. The only whining more annoying than an environmentalist is that weird, whining sound electric “cars” make when drivers step on the “gas” – or the “go pedal” or whatever they call it.

14. We Won’t Have To Use Those Shitty Low Flow Toilets

The worst thing that the enviro-nazis and Earth Day hippies have pushed on America is the concept of a “low flow toilet.” These bathroom atrocities became popular in the 1990’s in an effort to curb water use. With them we were robbed of the ability to take a good hearty red meat infused dump without the possibility of clogging the pathetic john with its little trickle of water pushing my man sized turd. I always end up flushing twice anyway! When Global Warming finally happens, it will “be too late” as they always rave.  We can go back to FULL FLOW toilets that use enough water that every time you flush them another village in South East Asia is wiped out by drought!  

15. Smoke ‘Em If You Got Em. Show Those Doctors And Liberal “Scientists” Who The Boss Is And Start Smoking A Pack Of Cigarettes A Day!  

If the whole world will be burning as “97 percent scientists” want you to believe, then why not start smoking a pack of cigarettes a day now? (Assuming the liberal media already got to you and you are not already a smoker.) What do you have to lose? Those liberal scientists and doctors say smoking causes cancer? Ha. Even if they are correct, what difference does it make if their “Global Warming” is going to kill us all anyway, right? Don’t let Al Gore win. Smoke ‘em if you got em, mother fucker!

Follow Phil Haney on Twitter @PhilHaney



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